I am human and have feelings.

Where to even begin? It’s been months since I last wrote on my blog. Why you might ask? Well, because work and life hit me really hard; especially work. Once everyone figured out the plan for Remote/Distance Learning…it was 0 to 100. My life became Zoom, Google Meet, phone calls, and email. I think the hardest part for me was trying to keep our students and families engaged and to keep our school community strong and connected…even though we were apart. But, this is not the reason for my blog post. So, let me get that started.

Today my subject is kindness. Or in more negative words, why are people mean? Let me begin my story…

The last few weeks have been H, E, double L. I’ve been working from about 8am to 10 or 11 pm each work day (maybe a few short breaks in there, but not much), and many weekends as well. I was trying to do it all; finding ways to do all the traditions we normally do to wrap up a school year with our students, staff, and community, but virtually. I was also trying to keep my positive and happy vibe. Trying my hardest to be strong for my staff and community. I was not only overworked, but overwhelmed and exhausted. During this time, my oldest daughter also graduated from high school. Yes, let’s add one more big life changing event into this crazy and wacko time.

And, during all of this, I’ve been treated unfairly. I’m treated nice to my face, but have had things said about me that are untrue; or my words twisted. Well, what do I do as the good, positive, kind person that I am? I turn the other cheek. And when that one is slapped, I turn it back so the other side can be ready for another slappin’. Even though the slapping may not happen directly to my face…it feels the same. I pretend that I don’t know; that I don’t hear the things said about me or my words being twisted. I pretend I’m not affected. Because, somehow I’m not supposed to be human. I’m apparently supposed to be some sort of robot with no emotions. My feelings don’t matter.

But, that isn’t true at all. My feelings do matter. I am a human being. I am a real person who just so happens to be a principal and a leader. I am NOT power hungry at all. I went into this position to make a difference. Everything I do is to help our students, staff and families. So, why is it so hard for some to treat me with kindness? I’m talking even when you don’t get your way or what you want. Even when you don’t like a decision I make. What is hard about being kind then?

So, let’s talk about what happens when you are working too much and someone is unkind to you. It equals a mental break down. It usually only takes one more thing, and often little, to cause it…the proverbial “straw that broke the camels back”. The tears come and they come hard. It’s hard to leave my office (as I don’t want everyone to see I’ve been bawling my eyes out) as I’m supposed to be the strong, positive leader.

After the mental break down and time working from home (I spent a day working from home and not going into the office as I didn’t want to see anyone), I was able to pull myself up by the britches and put on that smile/happy face again and continue marching on. Because, it’s what we do as principals. It’s what leaders do.

I recognize now, in my calm and reflective state, that it’s not about me. When someone is unkind, it’s about them. They are unhappy. However, in the moment, it HURTS. Like really, really hurts. It makes me question why I went into leadership. Why am I doing this? Why do I keep doing this? I often say to myself “this is crazy” and “what am I doing?”

And then I look around. I focus on the vast majority who are AMAZING! They are kind, loving, compassionate, and so dedicated! And I remember that there are always sour apples, but most are sweet! And I hold onto those that are dear and true.

Today I came home from a walk and on my doorstep was the most beautiful bouquet of flowers from one of my amazing teachers. And, the best part, was the most heartfelt, sweetest card inside. And the tears flowed again, but this time they were happy tears. Tears because I felt appreciated. It reminds me that I do make a difference. Most people see it. They are kind. And they notice all that I do to help them, our school, our students, and our families. They recognize the sacrifices I make. They recognize that I am human and need some love and encouragement as well. It restores my faith and my “why” and I move forward. I remind myself of my truths. I am kind. I am compassionate. I am helpful. I am caring. I am loving. And, yes, I am human.

Stephanie Hollinger

The Positive Principal

*The flowers in the picture are the ones I found today on my doorstep. They are seriously some of the most beautiful flowers I’ve ever received!