Rejection

Some weeks are good. Others tough. And then there are those weeks that are extremely tough. The weeks that are so emotionally draining that your tank is on empty, yet you keep giving (you must be pushing the car from behind). That was me this past week.

The week began like any other one. I stood at the door greeting my wonderful students and welcoming them back to school (always the best part of my day!). A few hours later I was in a conference room with my behavior specialist as a student hit, kicked, and spit on us repeatedly while standing on the tables and jumping at us. I’m sure you are all saying right now “yep, been there, done that!” And so have I. Too many times to count now. After work I went home and took a nap…I was pooped!

Because I was so busy with that on Monday, Tuesday was a super busy one as I was trying to get back on track from the previous day. Then Wednesday came. While I cannot share all of the details, I can tell you it was a terrible day that caused me a lot of stress and brought up some past trauma. As always, I compartmentalized and just kept right on going. The rest of the week was spent wrapped up in this situation (it was a devastating and tough student situation).

By Friday morning, I woke up and realized my tank was completely empty. I had given all I felt I could give in a week. I arrived at school and greeted the students at the door (again, always the best part of my day). It was Valentine’s Day, so everyone was happy and full of love! The day was busy, but a normal busy (thank God!). I had a steady stream of students coming to see me with Valentine’s throughout the day…and quite a few handwritten letters. My tank was getting refilled!

And then a blow came at me that I wasn’t expecting. I had been encouraged to submit a proposal to present at a summer conference held by my state for administrators and superintendents. This would have been a 1 hour session where people could decide to attend. I worked with my boss (assistant superintendent) on my proposal and we thought I had a pretty good one. It was centered on building a strong culture focused on positivity, but also one on high expectations. In my 5 years, we have seen huge growth and we have a great school climate…therefore, we thought that others may want to hear some of the things that have worked for me. Well, I got an email about mid-day on Friday, February 14th, saying basically “thank you for your submission, but your presentation hasn’t been chosen”. Now, there were many other words in that email including that they received more proposals than normal and asking if they could keep me on a list incase they needed more presenters. However, all I heard was “rejected”.

I was devastated. This was a huge blow to me at the end of a very long and hard week. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I sat for a minute at my computer trying to keep the tears at bay. I remember someone in the office asking me something and I remember that I answered, but I couldn’t look up because I knew I was getting teary eyed and they would see. I then shut my door and just let it out…I sobbed! Now, I know the sobbing was not just because of the rejection, but due to the cumulation of the entire week. However, in that moment it didn’t feel that way.

I had really put myself out there with this proposal. It wasn’t easy for me as public speaking is not my forte. In addition, I went back and forth before even submitting the proposal because I kept having thoughts of self-doubt like “Who would want to hear from me?”, “What do I think I know that others don’t?” But, my boss helped me to see that he thought many would like to hear from me and that I have a lot of things to share with others that have gone really well. So, when this rejection came in…it was like all of those thoughts came rushing back!

My counselor saw me at this point and asked what’s wrong…I completely broke down crying to her. I knew how ridiculous I sounded. First world problems, right?! After I finally cried it all out, I began to think about how I was going to tell others. Normally, I am one that doesn’t share things like this until I know if it is going to happen (because I worry if I share, I’ll jinx it; or that if it doesn’t happen, then I’m in a spot where I have to share with my rejection to others and I don’t want them to be disappointed in me). However, when I had my “sick day” back on February 5th (see my other blog post titled “Mental Health Day”), I read a book by Brene Brown titled The Gifts of Imperfection. In the book, Brene discusses “the courage it takes to risk being vulnerable and disappointed.” She addresses exactly what I’m talking about…that we often don’t tell others how excited or hopeful we are so that if it doesn’t happen, that somehow the pain will be less. As Brene states “playing down the exciting stuff doesn’t take the pain away when it doesn’t happen…it also creates a lot of isolation.”

This had really resonated with me on my “sick day”. I remember thinking to myself how this was just like my proposal. Normally I wouldn’t have shared with others (to save face if rejected), but in this case and because of Brene Brown, I chose to share with others. Now, I was in the position of sharing my rejection and honestly, it felt humiliating. Again, I had negative self talk “see what you get for putting yourself out there?!”, “now you have to share with others that you were rejected”. But, I remembered this passage from Brene’s book on courage and vulnerability. I then emailed my two closest principal friends (my principal besties as we call ourselves) and shared my rejection. I instantly received love and support (and most importantly – I was comforted by their words).

It’s the day after and it still feels raw to me, but that’s ok…I’ll dust myself off, pick up the pieces, and get right back on track. Will I apply to present again or put myself out there for something else? Yes. But, it’ll be some time. I really put myself out there and this rejection still stings. However, I am sure there are still other areas where I can push myself and grow; and information I can share that others will want to hear. Time will tell…

~Stephanie

The Positive Principal

P.S. – The picture was taken at The Cheesecake Factory as I sat at the bar enjoying good food and drink while finishing up Brene Brown’s book on my mental health day.